Sometimes I hear from people who want to seek a separation, but only temporarily. These people really have no intention of ending their marriage or even doing a lot of soul searching during the separation. They simply want to scare their spouse and teach him a lesson.

Then you might hear a comment like, “My husband has taken me for granted for the past five years. I have tried to talk to him about this, but he was not interested in what I had to say. He told me that he overreacted and that my Expectations weren’t realistic. So I tried to tell myself that if I changed my expectations, I’d be happier. It didn’t work, but I kept quiet. Until I saw a text message saying that my husband sent his brother. His family wanted him to go to a meeting and my husband said he was not going because I had a lot of maintenance. I was so furious about this that I decided to leave the children with my husband and spend a weekend for myself. husband would see how much work I do and how the house could not function without me. Needless to say, as soon as I got home, my husband was as sweet as possible because he wanted to resume my duties. Actually, for about two months afterwards of this incident, my husband was sweeter and more loving. Much because he saw how much work I really do. But this only lasted a short time. Now, he’s back to his old ways, taking me for granted again and treating me like I’m unimportant. So I decided that this time I needed to teach him a longer lesson. I’m going to tell him that I want a separation. I imagine if you spend a lot more time without me than a weekend, you might just straighten out and see how valuable I really am. Will this work? “

It’s hard for me to predict if it will work. But I have to tell you that it is my opinion that there are flaws and risks in this plan. I’ll tell you why in the next article and offer what I think might be a better plan.

Why this strategy is risky: This wife was assuming that the husband was going to act as expected. She assumed that he would act like he did after their weekend alone, only that he would be more loving for a longer period of time. I guess that’s a reasonable assumption, but there are never any guarantees. In fact, the husband could be angry, upset, or frustrated. Instead of responding as the wife expected by approaching her, he might actually become distant due to resentment he felt at being manipulated. Very few people (especially men) like the feeling that they are being manipulated like children.

But what is worse, not all separations end when the spouses live together again. Some separations end in divorce. Is it really a risk you are willing to take? I understand that you need your spouse to change their behavior, but what if there was a way to do it without the need for all this risk? Because if something went terribly wrong, you would not have an ungrateful spouse, you would have no spouse at all.

Get him to show more of the behaviors you really want: First, it helps to accept that this is likely to be a gradual process. Marriage behaviors and habits are like any other. To break it, you have to repeat the desired behaviors for more than 30 days until they become a new habit. That means one weekend it won’t. And it also means that your husband is unlikely to repeat the desired behaviors for that long unless he gets positive feedback from it. So you have to make the process not too painful for either of you and that he can get it and then easily maintain it.

That is why it helps to build it. Start small. Think of one easy thing that he could easily do to make you happy. Maybe it’s noticing that you made his favorite dinner. If he doesn’t mention it, ask him if he noticed. When you acknowledge this, tell him how happy you are when you realize it, and then give him physical confirmation in the form of a hug or other positive reinforcement. I know this may seem the other way around. After all, you wanted more of him and now you’re giving him more. But stay with me for a second. By giving positive reinforcement instead of complaining, do you know what’s going to happen? Next time, you may not need any help. He can give you the desired behavior on his own. And when this happens, tell him once again how happy he makes you when he notices and shows you appreciation. Brag about this to others in front of him. Give positive reinforcement. The idea is that you only need to do this enough times until it becomes a habit.

Is this easy? No, not always. But it still gives you the same result. And it is likely to be more durable than handling it. (You have already shown that you will return to your same behaviors without positive reinforcement.) And if you split up, it may not give you the desired behaviors and just shut off.