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Post Divorce Dating: 5 Steps to the Right Mindset

Mindset, a term coined by Carol Dweck, highlights two ways people view their abilities and efforts: fixed mindset or growth mindset. To learn something with a growth mindset, like swimming, start by imagining that you have the ability to swim smoothly. Then you put your effort into taking steps to learn the specific skills needed to swim. Dating after divorce involves a similar process of imagining the future and striving to take small steps.

In the limiting fixed mindset, we believe that we are born with certain abilities and personality traits. We believe that no effort on our part will change these things. You haven’t met the right person yet and you think you never will. You are convinced that you do not have the right qualities to meet someone, no matter how hard you try. This fixed mindset thinking gets in the way of dating after divorce. When you see yourself this way, you lose the confidence to date.

In the most positive growth mindset, we believe that we can build and nurture our given talents. We believe that we can do anything with enough effort. You know you’ll find the right person if you keep doing it. You possess more than enough positive qualities to attract a mate. In the growth mindset, the failed relationship becomes a springboard for change.

Even if you think in a fixed mindset, according to Dweck, you can cultivate a growth mindset at any age. Of course you are nervous about dating after a divorce. Try to foster a growth mindset by taking as many of these small steps as you can:

* Step 1. What do you tell yourself about your successes in life? When you see effort as a key factor, you tell yourself that you must keep doing it because your efforts contribute to success. You decide to go to that party or join an online dating site. Effort leads to success.

* Step 2. Do you remember the time you failed at something at work or school? You are more than an experience and you can learn from your failures. Knowing that you can change your approach and try something different next time allows you to dive back in. You analyze your last date and figure out what to do differently. You decide that you talked too much or not enough about yourself. Learn from mistakes.

* Step 3. Do you have difficulty imagining success? See your love life as a constructive learning experience that you will go through step by step. You will first discover how to meet people and then you will work on socializing in a relaxed way. Visualize yourself smiling as you enjoy a nice dinner with a new person. Adopt a positive attitude towards the future.

* Step 4. Are you open to criticism? Friends and loved ones can help us grow. What do you think you could do differently? What do they think you do well? Be daring and ask a date who hasn’t worked out their likes and dislikes about you. Look for feedback.

* Step 5. Avoid something because you think you can’t do it? You’ve got nothing to lose. You will never find your dream date if you don’t go out. Use steps 1-4 to help you take the plunge.

If you still can’t put that first toe in the water, read more dating tips, seek support from friends, or find a dating coach to give you the push you need.

Copyright 2010 Judith Tutin PhD

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