If you ask your estranged husband how he is feeling during your separation, you often expect phrases like: “lonely,” “depressed,” or “confused.”

So when you get an answer like “released”, it not only hurts, it’s also very confusing. It can make you wonder if it will be possible to save your marriage when your husband seems to be enjoying the separation.

Someone might wonder: “to be honest, it’s me who raised the idea of ​​a separation. Although looking back, I think what he really wanted was for my husband to tell me that not only did he not want a breakup, but that he loved me and that he was going to rise to the occasion to work things out. I never thought he would really do it and I certainly never thought he would enjoy it, but he has. The first clue that something was wrong was that he stopped calling me so often. And when we did talk, he never seemed to have time to really talk for any longer period of time. Finally, I asked him if he liked the separate life. expecting her to say she didn’t like him very much, but his response was ‘he’s so liberating’. He surprised me and I asked him to explain. And he said it’s easier to be happier in life when he only has one person to care about. He says that he feels a sense of freedom knowing that he doesn’t have to walk on eggs. more shells. This hurts me. I never anticipated that he would enjoy the separation. I want to say something to change his mind, but I don’t know what. How do I approach this?

Beware of desperate responses: It is true that this is complicated. Because many of the answers that seem logical here may seem hopeless. Options like, “Well, it must be nice to have no responsibilities” or “I hope you don’t mean it because I’m devastated and want you to want our marriage again” sound sarcastic or born of desperation. Therefore, they may not get the result you want and may even make things worse.

Know that he may have specific motivations for portraying himself this way. Before I get to a suggestion of what you might say to open up a positive dialogue, I want to suggest that your husband might have other motivations for telling you that he feels liberated, besides innocently trying to share his feelings. He may want you to think that he is doing great because he is hurt because you pushed for them to break up. Because he feels a bit rejected, he may think that you deserve to feel a bit negative too.

People are not always honest about their separation experience. There were certainly times in my own separation when I wanted my husband to think that he was doing much better than he really was. I don’t consider myself a dishonest person, but sometimes there is a bit of strategy involved.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take your spouse at face value or that you should automatically assume that he or she isn’t telling the truth. I’m just telling you that sometimes, not everything an estranged spouse says is going to be completely accurate, even if they don’t mean to lie.

Opening the door to a positive conversation: Let’s go back to possible conversations to have about this. Know that one option is to say nothing and wait to see if things will change. Sometimes your spouse just needs time to miss you and nothing is going to change this more than simply giving you more time. So you have to be careful when opening a door if you really don’t have to.

If you do that and you don’t see results or for some reason you don’t want to wait, then I would try a conversation that doesn’t sound judgmental or desperate. A suggestion might be: “Well, I admit that this was not what I expected or expected to hear. But I can see that a break from the drama and tension can feel like a relief. I can understand that. But in the days to come, the way how we feel can change. I would like to ask you to be open and honest with me. My hope is that we continue to communicate and be honest. Because my ultimate goal is that we enhance our marriage during separation and not damage it. Can we commit to communicating regularly? I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or bad. I just want to keep in touch.”