When we first get married, we assume that we have just partnered with someone who will always have our back, who will always be our biggest supporter, and who will always treat us with kindness. We assume this because, in the early days, most of us are on our best behavior (and that behavior doesn’t change when stress rears its ugly head, because our love is in its infancy).

Oh, the sweet ingenuity of youth or newlyweds. The truth is, despite our best intentions, even the most loving and committed of us are short on our spouses when we have bad days or say things we desperately wish we could take back. If we’re lucky, these things only happen occasionally and don’t do any real damage. Other times, the stressors are so constant that it can almost become a habit. And that’s when the real damage is done.

A wife might explain, “When I met my husband, he treated me like gold. He always complimented me and talked sweetly to me. We’re quite different. He’s more academic than I am, but he seemed to enjoy teaching me things.” He was always very patient and he always defended me if someone dared to criticize me. The man I see in front of me these days is so different from that man that he used to act like he treasures me. Lately, my husband is so condescending to him, he’s been going through something at his work. It’s not really a downgrade. It’s just a difference in the way he can bill and therefore get paid. It means that we will have to adjust our lifestyle a bit. Obviously, I need to understand as much as I can about this. But when I try to ask questions, he acts like they’re the dumbest questions he’s ever heard. And then he gives me this slow, drawn-out explanation, as if the slow pace is required for someone as dumb as me to have a chance to understand. And it’s not all about his work. A couple of weeks ago, we were planning a short vacation (we can’t take regular ones due to his work). He was trying to give my opinion on the things he wanted to see and do, and honestly, his tone and body language completely ruled me out. He booked what he wanted to do and didn’t seem to think about my opinion. I’m starting to get the feeling that he doesn’t respect me. I suspect he thinks I’m not his intellectual equal. It was never a problem before, but now he just feels condescending. And I don’t want this kind of marriage. I still love my husband, but I can’t let him talk bad to me. I don’t want to be married to someone who treats me this way.”

I don’t blame you for being upset. We expect our spouse to be our soft place to fall. We hope to feel safe and heard when we talk to them. When we feel disrespected and rejected, it feels like a betrayal and like we have lost something that is very important.

However, it is also important to keep in mind that when we feel this way, we can lose our objectivity. We focus on what is wrong without digging to determine what might be doing it wrong. That is understandable. It is part of human nature to focus on the pain and not the cause. But I mention this because it seems from your description above that it is not in her husband’s nature to be like this. When you met him, he was gentle and kind. Which means there could be a recent development that is contributing to his patronizing attitude now.

I’m not excusing it. No one should patronize their spouse. But if he is acting this way because of stress and you still love him, then at least for me, it makes sense to explore how to improve this before making a rash decision like ending or pausing your marriage before trying to fix it.

The first suggestion I would have would be to draw your attention to it. He may not even realize he’s doing it and it probably isn’t his intention. However, you have to be careful not to make it sound like you’re attacking him or saying he’s a bad person. You want it to sound like you care about him as much as you do.

So a suggestion might be something like, “Honey, I know that’s probably not your intention, but your tone is bugging me. I know you’d never hurt me on purpose, but it sounds like you’re talking to a child when you talk to me sometimes. And that hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like I’m not important to you. I don’t want to add to what you’re dealing with because I know you have a lot to do at work. I want to help you. But it’s harder to do that when your tone almost tells me you’re stay away. I wanted you to know because it’s not going to get us anywhere. We’ll make more progress if you stick together and are nice to each other.”

You may find that he immediately apologizes to you and didn’t realize he was behaving that way. Or he may get defensive and tell you that you were imagining it. If so, you would have at least said so and hopefully he’ll be more careful with her tone. But try to keep in mind that the stressors he’s dealing with are likely contributing to the way he talks to everyone. You have every right to ask him not to talk to you like that. But be careful not to increase his stress level and make it clear that you want to support him. All of this is easier to do if you both communicate in a loving and supportive way.