Sometimes I hear from people who want their cheating spouse to feel some consequences for their actions. They want their spouse to feel guilt, shame, remorse, and sadness. But, for some reason, they have not been able to get these answers. Your spouse continues to act defensive or outraged or tries to blame you. As a result, they look for ways to entice their spouse into feeling the guilty emotions that they should naturally feel.

Someone might say, “Honestly, my husband says he’s sorry about the affair, but his actions and behavior just don’t show it. Sometimes when we’re discussing how the affair has affected our family, I start crying because I’m so upset about what he’s done. When I cry, he doesn’t try to comfort me. He’s just very uncomfortable and occasionally says he wishes he could take it back. I’m not sure what I want from him since we’re together most of the day. I want honesty from him, but no he seems to understand. When I talk to my mother about this, she says that the best thing I can do is to be indifferent to him. He says that I should take care of the children and other things and then when I ignore him, he will get rid of himself to apologize and offer me reassurance. Is he right?

I have seen this strategy work temporarily. But I’ve also seen it fail big time. Because? Because when you pretend you don’t care, you’re just playing the same games your husband is playing and he might respond by shutting down. Or, he might mistake his indifference for neglect, which in some husbands’ minds is justification for cheating again. Whether this strategy really works for you depends on whether you want to save your marriage. If he doesn’t, then I don’t see anything wrong with being indifferent. It won’t matter if he folds or retaliates or decides he doesn’t want to play. It also won’t matter if he’s sincere but he walks away because he thinks you don’t care.

But if you want to save your marriage, the goal is to rebuild a healthy marriage based on honesty. I know that honesty is probably the most important factor in recovery. I couldn’t stand my husband telling me even the slightest white lie. He wanted to know the truth about everything. So when you pretend to be nonchalant, that’s insincere at a time when you should expect absolute truth and when it’s important to be transparent.

I know that all this is asking you to take the right path. But in my experience, the best way to get the behavior you want out of it is to model it yourself. If you act nonchalant, sometimes he will mirror your behavior and you’ll get two people pretending they don’t care when in fact they both really care. All of this is a huge waste of time and can cause misunderstandings, which can make things worse.

I think it’s possible to reject the great emotion of the situation without pretending that you just don’t care. For example, the next time you ask her for reassurance and she tells you she’ll be with you for most of the day, you could try, “And yet somehow that’s not enough. I really need you to reassure me that you don’t intend to see her, even if you had the time and ability. I want to know that you’re making the decisions that will strengthen our family. I’m looking for reassurance that I can trust you.”

So drop it. Look what it will do. I know it feels awkward having to spell it out. But once you do, it’s up to him. You’re no longer tap-dancing and expecting me to rise to the occasion. You are telling him what you want and need and you are giving him the choice to satisfy it or not.

If you’re not in counseling or using very good self help, I highly recommend it. Your plan to be indifferent is based on the fact that you don’t get what you want and need from him. An adviser or a good step-by-step guide would help you achieve this much easier and more efficiently than pretending or playing around. Since honesty is such an important part of recovering and restoring trust, I just can’t advocate faking it. You don’t always have to show all your emotion. But I don’t think you want to lie and pretend you don’t care when you do. Otherwise you are just inviting him to do the same and recovery will be very difficult with two people faking it.