Communication is critical to our ability to connect well with our spouse and work with them to resolve issues that arise in everyday life. Although there are many facets to communication, I want to focus on one specific area that married couples are often unaware of and that can make a significant and positive difference in the way they communicate with each other: slowing down.

SLOWING DOWN?

Slowing down is a broad phrase that needs to be defined. In this particular context, I don’t mean to say slow or having fewer events on our calendar. I am referring to something more difficult, and possibly more important: controlling our emotional responses.

That’s right, controlling how we respond to our spouse despite how we feel. This is something that is always easier said than done, especially when we have a disagreement and can feel our emotions constantly running high. It’s often at these critical points that we say or do things we regret, ultimately putting the emotional security of our marriage at risk.

Maintaining that emotional security and preventing painful breakups is critical to a healthy marriage. Protecting your marriage in this regard is simply too difficult when we allow our emotions to guide our responses. This is why we need to establish principles like slowdown. Let’s take a moment to examine how we can put this unique principle into practice in our marriages.

TAKE TIME TO CALM DOWN

Taking time to calm down may seem completely elementary, but I assure you that it is not. It takes a mature and disciplined person to recognize that a conversation is breaking down quickly, decide to disengage for a period of time, and give yourself the space to calm down emotionally.

I realize that many spouses would prefer that their partner stay with them until their disagreement is resolved; however, staying together and continuing to talk can lead to further conflict or emotional isolation for one or both partners. The reality is that there are times when slowing down and doing the following is much more constructive:

1. Identify when a conflict is developing.
2. Interrupt the conversation and allow each member adequate time to rest emotionally.
3. Continue the necessary conversation later that day after each person has calmed down.

These steps allow each spouse to let go of fight or flight tendencies, reflect on why they are experiencing a sense of intense emotion, and prepare to calmly reveal the basis of their frustration, anger, hurt, or sadness when the conversation resumes.

It also helps to do something that helps you calm down and relax. Take a walk, exercise, pray, listen to music you enjoy, read or apply a different strategy. Either way, do something you enjoy to help your body and mind rest before returning to the conversation with your partner.

I write this knowing that couples who get this kind of break are better positioned to calmly express their thoughts and emotions to each other, and to resolve important issues in a way that helps build the emotional connection between them.

PRACTICE EMPATHY

Empathy is a truly unique and powerful human ability that helps a lot in marital communication when applied. For some people, empathy is more of a natural response. For others, it is something they have to work to develop.

In any case, empathy is a resource in which we must be competent if we want our communication with our spouse to reach new levels.

I have often seen couples coming to marriage counseling sessions angry, defensive, and in conflict with each other. They seemed to be getting nowhere in their conflict, other than just escalating the situation at hand. After helping them slow down and apply the use of empathy, they begin to engage very differently.

Not only can they calm down, but they can better understand their spouse’s perspective and validate what they’ve been going through emotionally. Watching this transformation happen is nothing short of amazing. Furthermore, these experiences speak to our ability to literally enhance and change the nature of our conversations, while increasing our understanding of our spouse.

The following is a short exercise you can follow to practice using empathy:

Take 60 seconds to mentally put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.
Ask yourself: “If I were them, what would I feel? or what would I be thinking?”
Take more time to reflect on the thoughts and feelings generated by this exercise and allow yourself to consider them in light of how your spouse is responding.
Like most couples, you’ll probably find that putting yourself in your spouse’s shoes allows you to be more sensitive to their needs, concerns, wants, and emotional responses.

I encourage you to practice this exercise several times a day, whether you and your spouse are together or apart. If you’re apart, keep in mind that you can later talk to them by saying something like, “I was thinking about you earlier and was wondering if you might be feeling (e.g., anxious, hurt, etc.) or thinking about (for example). example, our disagreement earlier this week, etc.)”.

This kind of commitment is important because it immediately lets your spouse know you were thinking of them (which is always a great feeling to express) and conveys that you are genuinely sensitive to their emotional and marital needs.

SET LIMITS EARLY

Last but not least, set limits on your conversations as a means of slowing down and preventing conflicts from developing. This is a really important step in healthy communication. I have often seen spouses neglect setting boundaries and end up in a painful cycle of negative communication (eg, one partner pursues harshly/the other partner withdraws emotionally) in which both partners feel hurt and misunderstood.

It’s much better to know your emotional boundaries in a conversation and make them known early, to protect yourself and help your spouse better understand how to redirect their focus to you.

For example:

“I care about you and would love to hear from you, however please stop attacking me with your words.”
“I know you’d like to keep talking about this, but I feel like I’m fading. Let’s pause for a few minutes, rest, and continue later.”
The goal is to be aware of your own emotional process, use a feeling statement that reflects those emotions, and make your spouse aware of your communication needs as soon as possible. Setting a boundary in this way will help you slow down the emotional process between you, instead of seeing it quickly escalate into something destructive.

UNITE IT ALL IN PRAYER

All of these strategies are helpful. And yet, implementing any of them well requires our hearts to be in the right place.

Prayer is central in this regard, as it reminds us of our highest calling to live out our desire to honor the Lord each day, especially by loving and caring for our spouse.

It also helps us measure whether we are allowing The Fruit of the Spirit to be evident in our daily lives:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law (Galatians 5:22).”
Couples who infuse their relationship with these fruits will greatly benefit from the peace and connection that follows in their relationship.

For more information

If you would like more information on couples counseling or how to improve your communication by slowing it down, we invite you to visit http://www.fulfilledchristiancounseling.com.