It’s hard enough thinking about retirement on our own, but it’s even more challenging for couples to plan for this transition. What defines your ideal retirement may not be the same for your spouse or partner. In order to have a successful retirement lifestyle, each person in the relationship needs to communicate, compromise, and cooperate. This requires a lot of understanding and empathy for the situation of others and the recognition of the fact that this major life change affects not only us individually, but also those around us.

How much is too much togetherness?

Retirement often brings two people together who previously had little interaction during the workday. Suddenly, the days of the week can shift from time focused on individual schedules to 24/7 bonding marathons. And, as they say, there can be too much of a good thing!

More typically, it is the husband who withdraws from a structured 40-hour week schedule, and without adequate planning for life after retirement, he may turn to his spouse to fill the void. Consider this from the wife’s perspective. She has been alone during the work week, on her own schedule, perhaps for years or even decades. Suddenly, her husband is also at home and there is uncertainty about how they will spend their time together. Her reaction may be one of resentment, because her long-established ability to plan her own time has vanished. Free time that one or both of you used to look forward to is now compromised.

I like the saying: “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.” In fact, this may be the wife’s reaction when she feels her schedule is being invaded by her husband’s retirement. And, receiving this type of negative response, the husband may feel even more the loss of his established work life and that he is now just a participant in his wife’s world.

It’s human nature to want some space for ourselves, and that doesn’t mean we love our spouse any less. It just means that you need to find that healthy balance of time together and apart. With proper retirement planning, these retirement “pitfalls” can be avoided and a couple can achieve a mutually rewarding retirement lifestyle.

Why retirement planning is so important

A Cornell study conducted at this stage of life revealed that married couples tend to experience significant conflict in the first few years after one or both spouses retire. None are prepared for this important adjustment. Instead of enjoying a happy union, both of you may have a hard time understanding your new lifestyle and end up feeling lost. I have heard countless stories of retirees aimlessly searching for a new order in their lives; they reload the dishwasher, move the furniture, and try to figure out what they’re supposed to do because they’ve lost their old job description. Meanwhile, her spouse tries to maintain a normal schedule while caring for her retired spouse. The burden of this responsibility can be overwhelming.

The key is to connect

So how do you make sure you don’t end up like one of those lost and frustrated couples after retirement? The key is being able to connect with each other.

I have always been a fan of Barbara Streisand. I like the lyrics of her song, People: “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.“Going through life with someone you love and trust is so much better than going through life alone, especially in retirement.

Research shows that couples who reported being happily married were able to balance their time alone and time together in a healthy and constructive way. They respect each other’s need for privacy and space. While a spouse is working on his career, this time is incorporated. In retirement, it has to be created by the couple. Pay attention to how you currently use your time and who is in charge of scheduling your time. Try not to depend on your spouse to plan your social life, and take equal responsibility for some of those activities. Make sure you’re developing your own activities now that you’ll enjoy separately, as well as ones you’ll enjoy together. What have you always wanted to do and never had time to do? Make a list of activities, hobbies, and dreams and then start pursuing them.

If you’re like most married couples, you’ve already successfully gone through various stages of your life together; dating, getting married, having children, pursuing a career, among others. Hopefully, with each transition, you have found ways to learn more about each other and create a stronger bond that has sustained you. You have learned to be more attentive to each other, respectful of differences and patient with each other. You have developed more independence and autonomy while protecting the bond you have. This next stage in life is just one more transition through which you can deepen that connection.

remember love

As couples retire and grow through the changes associated with this transition, they may discover renewed love and commitment.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. – Nice McLaughlin.

Remember that love is a verb. Loving your spouse requires much more from us than just feeling and emotion. Take action. With Valentine’s Day this month, it’s easier for everyone to keep this front and center. But, sometimes we can lose sight of it in times of challenge. In the transition to retirement, we need to keep our love strong and supportive in our relationship. It requires more words of appreciation and affirmation, and more acts of love and kindness.

To know me is to love me. – Unknown

When two people are willing to be vulnerable, honest and open with each other, accepting the good along with the character flaws, a mature love and intimacy has been reached. Share with each other your needs during retirement. Compare what your ideal retirement looks like. Find new ways to spend time together and respect each other’s need to be apart. And above all, never forget love.

Love well… but eat lunch out!