Eleven years ago I was married to an abuser. Before I met him, I had very high self-esteem (maybe even a little too high), was happy in my career, and pretty much worked and got whatever I wanted. Life was good. After I married Justin, she began to show signs of anger in her expressions. That progressed to hitting things, breaking things, and throwing things. The message an abuser conveys with this action is “I can do that to you.” This is a tactic to make you afraid and scared of him. The abuse then progressed to physical, mental, financial, and emotional abuse. Abuse is a progression. Violent behavior starts small and each time increases in intensity level as the abuser has to get a “higher high” similar to a drug addict.

Never in my life had I met someone with anger issues like this or as mean and ruthless as Justin was. I was never exposed to this kind of behavior in my life. I’ve never been around anyone who lied and stole like him. This man, after getting married, used my social security number to obtain credit cards with limits of $5,000.00 to $10,000.00 without my knowledge. He maxed out in the first month, got home before me and hid the mail when the bills started coming in. It wasn’t until months later, when creditors started calling me, that I realized what had happened. He told me everything he bought with what his rich father gave him. His mother would even lie to me to cover up his story. I went to the police to press charges and they did nothing because we were married (that part of being married, most people don’t know).

I thought this kind of stuff was just something that happened on TV and in movies. I remember watching a talk show one day and the guest was a victim of domestic violence. He couldn’t believe that she was sitting there saying how much she loved him and that she couldn’t leave him. I thought this girl was crazy. When she said that she loved him I wondered how? How can you love someone who hits you? I thought. I wondered why she doesn’t leave this guy. That friend was my ignorance and my ignorance about being a victim of domestic violence, also called abuse.
 
The cycle of abuse

What is the cycle of abuse?

First everything is fine.

The next stage in the cycle is the tension building stage. This is where the abuser begins to show his anger, yelling, swearing and criticizing everything. Nothing you can do is good enough. It doesn’t matter if it was good enough last week, it may not be good enough this week. This is where the abused walks on eggshells, tries to do everything to make the abuser satisfied, and nothing works.

The next stage is the Explosion stage. This is when the threats begin. This is where there is a look in the abuser’s eyes like you have never seen. A look of rage. A glassy look. Some might even say diabolical. This is where the abuser explodes with acts of violence and anger towards his spouse.

The next stage is the honeymoon stage. Yes, that’s right, the honeymoon stage. This is when the abuser apologizes, says he will never do it again, makes promises, and brings gifts. This is where Justin would become the world’s greatest romantic. This is where the abused falls in love with the abuser again.

Then everything goes back to the beginning, it goes well and this is where the cycle of abuse starts again.
 
Why can’t you just walk away?

Most abused people are humiliated because of what their life has become. They are embarrassed that this has happened. They live in terrible fear because of the threats made by the abuser. In my case, Justin told me that if he ever tried to leave him, he would kill my youngest son and my dear father, and I believed him. In fact, he believed that he was capable of doing just that. That is one of the reasons why it is difficult for a victim of domestic violence to leave. They don’t leave because of fatal threats, sheer fear, and the low self-esteem they now have from all the verbal and emotional abuse.
 
How to get out:

Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and very dangerous. Leaving an abuser will trigger a violent rage. Leaving an abuser takes time and careful planning (find a victim advocate). You will need someone to help you, someone you can trust not to tell the abuser. Ask them to be patient with you and to work with you as you follow your escape plan. Slowly gather the items you’ll need once you’re alone and have your friend put them away for you. Do not take things that will be noticeable once removed. You will have to plan your next place to live or where you are going to go. This must be in place before you leave. Maybe this is with a friend, a family member, a shelter, or a new place you’ve secured.

You will want to seek the help of a victim advocate. Your local courts can help you with this connection. The defender will help you recover from the victims.

Sounds simple, right? Let me share more of my story with you. After Justin and I got divorced (which took a lot of planning for him to agree to), he moved back home with his family in a different state. After a few months (I don’t really remember how long it was) Justin came back to where I lived and tried to suffocate me. Once I was lifeless he released me and I could breathe again. At that moment he realized what he had done and knew that he would call the police. So he had to come up with a plan to avoid going to jail. He told me he was going to break my neck and throw me in a lake. I was able to put on an important performance and get him to believe that if he let me go, I could walk free. He was so convinced that he finally left. When I found out that the coast was clear, I immediately went to the police. Before driving there, I turned around to make sure he wasn’t following me. I told the police where he was staying and they went and arrested him.

Realize and understand that the abuse was not your fault. You have been told that it was your fault and that is not true, do not accept that blame. You may find comfort in learning about your abuser’s personality disorder so that you can accept that the things he did were not his fault. You can research sociopathic and narcissistic personalities. You’ll also want therapy or counseling to rebuild your self-esteem. Your local courts can connect you with community support groups and I recommend them once a week.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship and need help You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY). If you would like to contact me for further assistance, please email me at Rhonda@RhondaNeely.