People often talk about the resilience of children, and that is true, in the sense that they find a way to survive physically and emotionally. But it is not true that children are undone by the effects of childhood family dysfunction, traumatic events and patterns, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or childhood neglect. They suffer deep emotional pain and are changed for the rest of their lives.

Children must be seen as a treasure, a gift to the family and the world, and treated with love, tenderness and care. It’s so sad when that’s not what happens.

Childhood family dysfunction

Many children grow up in families where things happen that are on a continuum of childhood family dysfunction that ranges from mild to severe, with the severe end of the spectrum including sexual abuse, physical abuse, childhood neglect, and a lot of emotional pain. Children often seem to “get it right” even so, and are later able to get and keep jobs, form relationships, marry, and have children of their own. But that doesn’t mean their lives and relationships aren’t deeply affected.

Childhood family dysfunction affects children’s personality

Children who go through the emotional pain of being repeatedly criticized; called negative names; you are not allowed to get angry or cry, shout with glee or laugh merrily; or they are not allowed privacy or comfort, many times they automatically begin to believe that they are bad, stupid, ugly or useless. They often learn to suppress emotions until they are no longer aware of having them. They learn ways to create privacy and comfort that are not in their best interest, but rather are a way of surviving the family dysfunction of childhood.

How children can be harmed by physical and emotional pain

In a child’s mind, parents are all-knowing figures. If the parent does or says something in relation to a young child, in the child’s mind, what he says or does is the ultimate truth. The more often something is repeated, the more deeply this “truth” is etched into the child’s mind and emotions until he actually begins to create the child’s personality. For example, a child who is constantly criticized or told that he is stupid or ugly will begin to feel worthless and may learn to cringe with others, to try to make himself invisible, to believe that he cannot be competent, and therefore Thus, failing in school and later, as an adult, have difficulty establishing relationships or jobs, or may fail in college, relationships, and jobs.

A child who is told “I wish you had never been born, you are a burden” will often feel unworthy to be alive on the planet and as an adult will act in ways that will bring misfortune into their life. If a child is told, in a negative way, “You are just like your father (or mother)”, he may feel terribly torn because he loves his father (or mother), but at the same time he feels that it is bad for him. the. he loves the other parent and the child feels that this is wrong in some way. This emotional pain also lasts into adulthood and profoundly affects social and work relationships.

How children respond to physical abuse

Children whose parents subject them to physical abuse in the form of spanking, arm twisting, forceful pushing down or other forms of physical abuse are damaged not only physically but emotionally and psychologically well into adulthood. As adults, they may chicken out easily, find it difficult to ask for and stand up for what they need, or remain aloof in relationships. They may feel helpless and become deeply depressed. Or they may go in the opposite direction, becoming angry at those close to them or physically abusing themselves.

How sexual abuse affects children

When children are sexually abused, the very core of their being is violated. They can become extremely defenseless people, because in reality were extremely helpless as children. Because it is impossible to actually be present while being violated on such a basic level, child sexual abuse often creates people who learn to dissociate. Since, as children, they were forced to be physically present during the abuse and unable to escape, they learned to mentally and emotionally escape, numbing, fading, “disappearing” into themselves. This also continues, and adults who have been sexually abused as children can put up with being taken advantage of in many ways because they were unable to have a sense of personal boundaries as children. Or, because they learned that the way they are “loved” is to be touched sexually, they may later believe that the only way to be loved is sexually, and they may become promiscuous as adults. On the other hand, sex with someone you love and who loves you can be next to impossible because people who have been sexually abused often feel pain during sex.

Child neglect has long-term effects

Babies left crying alone for hours, toddlers whose parents leave them home alone to fend for themselves, children whose parents feed them erratically or make them wait too long to eat are also deeply affected until well entering adulthood. Adults who have endured childhood abandonment may feel that they are alone in the world, that no one is there for them when they need help. They may become isolated and depressed, or feel like they have to do everything themselves and thus subtly push away anyone who wants to help them. On the other hand, adults who experienced childhood neglect when they were young may react to having their needs denied by becoming overly needy and clingy, thus creating relationships in which their partners may feel like a burden.

There are ways to change the patterns of thinking, feeling, reacting, and relating that are created in dysfunctional families. If you are a person who grew up with childhood family dysfunction, sexual abuse, physical abuse or neglect, psychotherapy and specifically EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) can help you.