Anger is a natural emotion that we experience when we perceive that we are being attacked or threatened in some way. Like all emotions, we feel a physical response in our body. The adrenaline starts to flow and our heart rate increases, our blood pressure rises rapidly and we can feel sick to our stomachs as our body tries to control itself.

Sometimes just thinking about a situation that makes us angry will trigger these physical responses.

Although anger is a natural emotion, some people get into the habit of flaring up at the slightest problem and have not yet learned how to manage and control their anger.

We’ve all read cases where domestic abuse, road rage, workplace violence, and addictions often go hand in hand with poor anger management. Within the person who gets angry frequently, we see chronic headaches, sleep problems, stomach problems, depression, and even heart attacks.

Anger is usually triggered by something, such as being cut off in traffic or by something said or done to us that we perceive as a slight. Sometimes it is something that makes us feel ashamed, disrespected or humiliated and the pain of these perceptions overwhelms logic and we are ready to lash out and act on our anger triggers. If we have poor anger management skills, we can take offense at a completely innocent comment, look or gesture, and this can lead to extreme consequences. The famous saying that when we choose behavior, we choose the consequences of that behavior is very true.

Anger can be expressed or suppressed. Expressing that you feel angry in a non-threatening way is healthy. If we continually suppress our anger, it can often lead to depression. We may feel like our anger is under control, but it doesn’t solve the problem that made us feel angry and can be a dangerous type of anger management. We can experience mental and physical health problems because we feel that we have not been heard.

It is necessary to express anger, but aggressive displays and violent outbursts of anger will harm us socially. Who wants to be near a powder keg that could explode at any moment, or walk on eggshells around someone in case they say or do the wrong thing that acts as a trigger for anger?

The goal of anger management is to find safe and healthy ways to express anger and the first step is to define our triggers. It’s a good idea to keep a notepad and pencil with us at all times so we can write down what triggers our anger throughout the day. Write down what takes you from just being upset to outright anger. What made you simmer and when did you boil over?

It’s also good to write down what effects your outbursts have had on the people around you. Are your children cowering in fear, has your spouse lost respect for you, have you suddenly lost friends and employment? Does your dog whimper when he sees you coming? In fact, do people cross the street when they see you coming because you’ve developed a reputation for being too unpredictable to trust?

How does that make you feel when you see these reactions to your anger? If it gives you some kind of buzz, you need to understand that you need help. It is not a normal desire for people to fear us and you need to find out why you feel the need for this. Perhaps you were bullied at school or feel inadequate in some way?

How can you start the day in a calm and pleasant way? Get rid of loud and obnoxious alarm clocks and switch to one that wakes you up with soft music or energizing music if that’s what you prefer. If you have to wake up in dark mornings, consider purchasing a light box and put it on a timer so it gives you at least fifteen minutes of sunlight before you get out of bed. You can make a cheap one with full spectrum lights from the hardware store. However, they must be full spectrum. People suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) use these lights to help fight depression and sluggishness.

When you wake up, do you have a hangover from the night before or are you angry that you haven’t had your first cigarette or coffee? You can reduce or give up these clothes that weaken your body and mind. You wouldn’t expect your dog to start the day with coffee, a cigarette, and a donut, so why should you?

Many people do not drink enough water or fluids and become dehydrated. This can give you a headache in the morning. It’s a good idea to keep water by his bed or juice, if you prefer. Always eat a healthy breakfast, even if it’s just a fruit smoothie with a liquid vitamin. If you are woken up by noise early in the morning, such as traffic or barking dogs, talk to the people involved and try to find a compromise. Buy a good pair of earplugs if you need them, but you will have to turn up the volume of the musical alarm a bit.

The idea here is to start the day well and with a calm mood. Change what has to be changed for that to happen. You can’t always change what others are doing, but you can change your reaction to it.

Have you heard of the serenity prayer used by twelve step programs? It says “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” You can change what is within your reach. Regardless of who or what is pushing your buttons, you don’t have to react with displays of anger and rage.

Let’s face it, if your anger is affecting your cherished relationships, your job, your health, or your freedom, you’re going to have to make changes.

If you have certain things that always make you angry, how do you react to them? Are you a kicker, puncher, thrower or swear, slam doors, hurt your animals, have a fist fight or hurl verbal abuse and put-downs? This is simply not acceptable. It is better to use your brain to search for anger management techniques that will allow you and others not to have to fear you.

Reflecting on past or recent experiences that lead you to obsess over them is useless. I would like to share with you some better ways to manage anger triggers and lead you to a happier and calmer life.

When you feel the physical signs of anger coursing through your body, remove yourself from the situation. Get some fresh air, walk to the store, run, air box, yell, or have what would be considered a child tantrum. Break old plates that you bought from a junk store, buy a punching bag. All of these things will help calm angry feelings and get rid of the adrenaline that fuels them. Find a place where you can do these things, but make sure it’s a place where you can do it alone and where you won’t hurt yourself or anyone else. Maybe you could do a sport that gives you an adrenaline rush but also teaches you to master your anger, like Tae Kwon Do or Karate?

Sometimes, you have to put your expression of anger on hold. We all do if we want to have a happy life. It’s not that anger is bad, it’s all in how we express it… and I’m not saying that it’s okay to express it with backstabbing, sarcasm, or verbal put-downs.

I mean telling a person who has triggered your anger response that what they did or said made you angry and that when you feel calmer, you would like to discuss it with them. They may offer a sincere apology right away, and I urge you to accept it. Many perceived slights were not intended at all. In this age of modern technology, emails that seem threatening would not be threatening at all if the same words were spoken face to face. Please take into account the weaknesses of others as they allow their own. If you’re a reactor… sometimes a nuclear reactor… you need to work on becoming a responder. Reacting is learned, impulsive behavior, while responding gives you the freedom to pursue various options and solutions to the problem. The old adage of counting to a hundred and if you’re really mad, counting to a thousand is still good advice. Many people who will now live the rest of their lives in jail wish they could have counted to a million, instead of reacting to what sparked their anger! Don’t let that happen to you.

The use of humor is also a good way to diffuse anger. Why not imagine the person who is eliciting your anger in a ridiculous situation, such as bathing in a bathtub high up in a tree, with a large black crow washing his back? Perhaps imagine them dressed up as clowns in the circus selling peanuts to the orangutans in the audience? If you use this tool, you will always be in control of the situation because no matter what the person says or does, they do not realize how you are imagining it at that moment. That is for your enjoyment and may lessen the sting of what is being said to you.

We are not machines, we are living, breathing people who need to be nourished. Take care of yourself. Eat a healthy diet, get plenty of sleep, get fresh air, exercise, and enjoy yourself to the fullest. Don’t be fooled into thinking that the advice of the past doesn’t apply now. The body will always have these needs. Give yourself a moment of tranquility, even if you have children. They can all be in the same room, but all doing quiet things individually. You will teach your children how important devotional time is for everyone. Teaching healthy and appropriate anger management techniques to your children in their early years will save you a lot of heartache later on and should set your best example.

If you continually bring your work home, ask yourself why and find solutions to that problem. Hire a life coach to help you find solutions to your problems and help you open up new ways of thinking and viewing your anger management. Perhaps you are operating under outdated beliefs or faulty thinking that does not serve you well now.

Try not to dwell on past slights and experiences that have made you feel disrespected, shamed, neglected, or intimidated unless you are doing so to find understanding and solutions. You may be right to feel angry at what you’ve been told or done, but move on to new options for dealing with it that don’t involve uncontrolled anger and rage. You are endangering your health if you constantly use anger and anger to solve your problems.

If your children, spouse, or pet cringes in your presence, what’s the point of that? If they run away from you, think how much better you would feel to see them running towards you with the sheer pleasure of seeing you.

You can learn to be a responder and not a reactor. Don’t be embarrassed if you need anger management classes. Everyone there wants the same outcome that you do…to end the continual negative reaction to their anger triggers and move on to a much happier life.

For your success!

june steed