At the end of a busy day with clients, the trash can in my office is often overflowing with used tissues. Richard, seeing this, often comments; “Good morning, huh?” and we both laughed. He knows that when clients cry, they are usually breaking and healing something. He has been known to joke with clients that he would like to create a “cry spa”: a beautiful resort with boxes of the best tissues everywhere, even towels, which are great for crying really well. We played sad relaxing music, there were big fluffy beds, beautiful soft chairs and sofas with cozy blankets and low lighting. Big tubs, Jacuzzis and roomy showers with plenty of hot water, and secluded outdoor areas to be alone. A good cry can be the most healing thing you can do.

American culture is joyful. We are commanded to be happy, and pain and sadness are too quickly labeled “depression” and supposedly washed away by drugs. People who are legitimately grieving are often told to feel better, when what they need is to honor their profound loss through grief.

A dear friend of mine who lost her husband some 50 years ago told me that now, after two years, she has had the first glimpses of feeling energized and hopeful about the future. She didn’t spend those two years at home, wallowing in her grievance. In fact, she carried on with her busy life as long as she could, surrounded by friends and family. But she did suffer: writing poetry and talking to a few close friends who could understand. No matter how deep the grievance runs, if you honor it, there comes a day when the clouds lift and optimism rises again. Human beings are not easy to control. We are resilient, and one of the reasons we are is that we can cry.

However, there is a difference between a good cry and wallowing in self-pity. A good cry is cleansing and leaves you feeling lighter and more able to cope.

My clients have many different reasons to cry:

• A relationship breakup

• Loss of a dear friend, relative, partner or pet

• Acknowledgment of damage done in the past

• To relieve pressure from stressful situations

• Relief at discovering that your feelings are normal and healthy

crying facts

As mature people, they tend to cry less. As you gain more life experience, you can better manage the resulting emotions. In youth, everything seems critically important (a snub, a breakup, a bad grade), but with age you learn that life has its ups and downs and you are less reactive to them. Also, with experience, you develop coping skills: positive, like talking yourself out of feeling bad or talking to good friends and getting support; and negative, like eating, drinking, smoking, all of which help you manage emotions without tears.

Your emotions and your hormones are intrinsically connected. Emotions are hormones. Emotional reactions to events send hormones throughout your body. Crying is your body and mind’s way of re-balancing after a physical or emotional shock. Crying helps to deal with emotionally impacting events and assimilates them.

My clients sometimes say that they are afraid to start crying, because they won’t stop, but that is not true. You may cry a lot at first; even cry themselves to sleep, but it’s almost impossible for people to harm anything by crying too much. Most people cry very little and end up repressing the sadness, which leads to depression.

In over 35 years of counseling, I have had clients who cry a lot and find it difficult to cry. Those who cry are usually more resistant and recover faster. The only problem with crying too much is if you wallow in self-pity, blame others for what went wrong, and don’t know how to handle the problem. Even if you think you’re crying “too often,” it’s probably a good thing. Hardly ever crying (unless your life is serene all the time) could be a sign of trouble. A good cry is cleaning.

Crying, Grief and Depression

When you have had a loss, there is a certain number of tears that you must cry to release. Keep crying is the fastest way. If you gave your best and you know it’s over, don’t waste time with resentment and anger, it’s self-destructive. Go. Grieve, cry, journal, and talk to yourself or a trusted friend. Have a “letting go” ceremony with close friends and say goodbye to whatever or whoever you’ve lost. Put the reminders away for a while.

Everyone needs to know how to grieve, how to be sad, how to get through difficult events.

Many people, even professionals, misclassify normal emotions, such as resentment and discomfort after a relationship problem, as depression. Many drugs have been sold by labeling normal emotions as “depression”; but it doesn’t help people’s mental health.

Heartbreak is part of real life: the more you love, the more you risk heartbreak, and the older you get, the more loss you encounter. You need to know how to grieve, recover, and recover; it is a healthy human psychological ability. Advice and complaints groups can always be helpful. We live in a social environment that is very uncomfortable with grief, so your friends and family may not be able to support you enough, so if that is the case, counseling and groups can be very helpful.

If you are trying to help someone cope with a loss, don’t try to make the grieving person feel better. It just shuts down their grievance and makes them feel like their feelings are unwanted. Listen if you can. Be patient with the grieving person. Support them when they cry; it is part of the process.

If you are grieving, find at least one person you can confide in, such as a dear friend, relative, member of the clergy, or therapist. If you can’t find someone to listen to you and support your complaint, find a support group. Most hospitals and hospices have open support groups for anyone who has experienced a loss.

Writing and journaling can help, as can doing something for others. But, eventually, you have a certain number of tears that you have to cry, and the more you let that happen, the better. Eventually, though, his spirits will start to rise again and he’ll feel ready to really live his life. At that moment, the intense part of his duel is over. Grief is as natural as digestion, and if you prevent either from happening, you’re in trouble. If you allow yourself to grieve and cry, your will to live will inevitably assert itself. Grieving is like going through winter. Eventually spring comes, and things begin to bloom and live again. You can feel bad, complain and cry, and still keep walking towards your goal.