Continual exposure, over the two decades of raising an adult child, to fear, trauma, abuse, and survival-oriented reactions created by parental dysfunction, alcoholism, and abuse prepare you for significant stress. , sometimes chronic, even later in life when triggers come on. previous unresolved incidents or you face circumstances that people in safe and stable homes may not perceive as so daunting. So what is tension?

A psychological manifestation and sensation, it can be perceived as an internal tightness, resulting in elevated blood pressure and heart levels and the release of stress hormones. Like a giant inner rubber band, it tricks the person into believing that it is being stretched to its maximum length, into believing that if something is not done to release its tenacity, it will break imminently. At other times, it feels like your brain is in an ever tighter vice. An adult son surely experienced these “on edge” sensations for most of his childhood, as the mother’s entry into his controlling father’s room caused him to withdraw into himself, cease all pleasurable focuses, and prepare himself. for the next guilt. shame or hurt. Tension can be the uncomfortable internal state that alerts: Something is about to happen! Get ready for it!

Tension later in life, despite the absence of the rigid parent and even a deviation from the person’s family environment, can be self-created for four main reasons.

1). A perceived obstacle to the achievement or successful completion of a goal or endeavor, which can be considered significant and important.

2). Conscious or subconscious perception that a person, place or thing represents a potential threat and approaches the damaging circumstances of his upbringing, as an authority figure, representing the displaced image of his father.

3). The resulting consequences if the physical, mental and / or emotional obstacle is not overcome so that the goal can be reached, whether the goal is pure safety or an actual achievement of some kind.

4). The inability to triumph over restriction.

I once asked someone what would create more tension about passing a college course and earning their degree: the ability to write their name on a piece of paper or the requirement to research and write a 20-page term locator, use at least five sources, and do it in less than an hour? The latter, obviously, entails three of the elements that create tension: the need to complete a significant objective (write the final work), the consequences of that disability (failure of the course) and the impossibility of doing it in a period of sixty years. minute interval.

I doubt that writing a person’s name on a piece of paper to pass a college-level class will put a lot of stress on someone.

Already a cultivated victim, having had parental abuse or even insanity shown to be indicative of human behavior, and diminished in resources and development, an adult child can create an even deeper tension when faced with certain aspects of life that entail these elements, discovering that the more he thinks about his way to his helpless ability to overcome his obstacles, the more inhibited he becomes to overcome them. Finally, he forces himself into a mentally imposed prison and throws away the key.

Examination of my own tensions indicates that my subconscious tends to superimpose a present-time situation on an unresolved past incident, regenerating the withdrawal of the inner child, which was undoubtedly powerless, helpless, and without tools, along with fears, danger. , traumas, disabilities and immobilizations experienced during its time of necessary creation.

Overcoming obstacles as an adult with these disabilities as a child, it goes without saying, creates tremendous tension, as the former says, “I have to prevail over this,” but the latter responds, “I can’t. I don’t know.” excuse me! “

The more he tries, the greater his grip on the tension becomes, until he is caught up in it.

The solutions to stress, which perhaps can be more accurately labeled as “stress relievers,” are many, but they all depend on the amount of recovery and the ability to pause and assess in which of the three areas of the stress. brain is operating the person: the brainstem (amygdala induced reactions), middle (emotions) or higher (logic, reasoning and executive functioning). That “stop and think” strategy could be the threshold for varying degrees of release and relief, and it can mark the threshold of several successful strategies.

The adult child must first realize that his past reactions that generated tension probably never worked before and therefore will not work now. Instead, they will only hold you tighter.

In fact, the solution paradoxically is not to tighten his grip on his resignation, but to loosen it and hand it over to a Higher Power, when he realizes that he is too limited and restricted to find all the solutions within himself. Because you were forced to do just that while growing up amid neglected and deficient parents, it may require significant recovery and attempts at “change” before you are successful with the endeavor.

“‘Letting go and letting God’ teaches us to free ourselves from problems that worry us and confuse us because we cannot solve them ourselves,” according to the Al-Anon text “Courage to Change.” , Inc., 1992, p. 321).

The adult child must realize that his unresolved childhood problems and the helplessness they now generate are only blocking him and thus causing his tension to build up, not reduce.

The most important thing in understanding stressors that produce tension is determining their intensity and severity. If they are particularly amplified and disproportionate to the emotions they create, then you may suspect that your past is unfolding in your present without your awareness. Consideration of when you had similar feelings, particularly during your upbringing, can delay the incident and refile it, greatly easing your tension.

When I used this method, the image of my abusive father appeared and, as I realized it, the tension lessened, because I found myself chewing on an episode from my previous life that was fueling the fires of the last one in life.

There are several other methods of stress relief, the effectiveness of which, based on personal experience, has varied with occasion and intensity.

When my internal circuit breaker appears to be about to explode, the energy that causes it can be diffused or dissipated by talking to a trusted sponsor or friend.

“Many of us have discovered that the telephone can be a lifeline between meetings,” according to “Courage to Change” (ibid, p. 116). “… A particularly useful time for Al-Anon phone calls is when we are preparing to do something new or scary. Many of us ‘put an end to these actions.’ We make an Al-Anon call before taking the call. take action and follow it up with a second call. For those of us who have always acted alone, there is a way to share our risks and our courage with others who will love and support us no matter what. “

Another method of relief is to press the personal “pause” button, interrupting the intensity of the building with other activities or more pleasant approaches. Like a loop, tensions continually run down the same circular track in the brain and strong emotions ensure that they remain imprinted on it, unable to locate the happiest “exit ramp”.

“Sometimes a horse refuses to obey a rider’s orders and runs out of control,” advises “Courage to Change” (ibid, p. 306). “My thoughts can do this too, when I try frantically, over and over, to solve a difficult problem … When my thoughts get out of control, I need to stop. I need to do this by taking a deep breath and looking at my surroundings. It can help to replace the obsessive thoughts with something positive … “

The awareness of the mind’s thoughts and the reorientation on external stimuli is known as “mindfulness.”

Light music, a comedy TV show, going for a walk and communing with nature, especially on a warm spring day, have all helped free my mind from the track of tension.

“When I’m trying to tackle a difficult problem or cope with a stressful situation, and I’ve done my best for the moment, what then?” asks “Courage to change” (ibid, p. 290). “I can do something that nurtures my mind, body, or spirit. Maybe I’ll go for a walk or listen to music.”

During those walks, I myself have looked up and temporarily immersed myself in the infinity of the sky, realizing how small I really am and my problems that cause tension in relation to everything.

Sometimes I also think of friends and relatives who were once a part of my life, but are no longer in life, and I wonder how important my concerns are in relation to their eternal existences now. How many, I can only wonder, care that about 20 years ago, when they were alive, they had a “bad hair day”? How, then, can I continue to view my own concerns and concerns with any lasting severity?

As these efforts allow me to adopt new perspectives, my tensions and the circumstances that cause them begin to dissolve. I stand on the physical platform designated as earth and treat the life given to me in my imperfect and impermanent state to the best of my ability until someday, like those who preceded me, my worries and worries will collapse senselessly.

Sources:

“Courage to change”. Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992.