Endings rarely come with the same ray of sunshine as dreams; the kind that we imagine has passed through the dark, filtered through the clouds, mingled with starlight, and found its way into our hearts in the path of a ray of sunshine. Is magic! Sometimes the endings are brutal; suddenly life changes on a dime and all that magic turns into heartbreaking pain that will never go away. We know with a sick certainty that we will never get over this loss. The only option is to get over it.

Deeply painful losses seem to rip out a part of our heart; no anesthesia, no counseling, just pure pain that feels like a part of our world has ended. It comes from a phone call that says a loved one is gone, a letter or email that says it’s over, the kind that assures us we never really matter, the abrupt end of a friendship we thought was forever or a betrayal that defies explanation. Something important has ended in our lives. The pain consumes everything and takes on a life of its own with a heartbeat we can literally hear.

You can seek counseling, join grief recovery groups, and examine a number of other options that may be helpful; they are seeking recovery with you. So how do you deal with the fact that you will simply never get over what has happened? That there is no real recovery?

Acceptance; When friends have gone home, you’ve completed group participation or counseling, and still the pain is as real as the first day, it’s time to accept that you will never get over what happened. But you can get over it.

You may notice that the sky appears more cloudy than normal; things look cloudy most of the time. Look around; see if this seems true to you. The sun breaks through the clouds when you recognize that it is so and that it is caused by your own pain. Interestingly, when you recognize the cause, the cure begins. You give your subconscious mind permission to see the sun breaking through the clouds.

Let it go; If you’ve lost someone who once felt like your entire world, you may be reluctant to let it go. If he has died, you may feel guilty about letting him go. Interestingly, we believe that as long as we feel the pain as intensely as the first day, we remain loyal to the person, accepting the pain as proof. However, enduring causes pain; Let go of the idea that you must hold on. The loss is not going to go away, but overcoming this loss means letting go of the idea that you must accept the pain.

Release the guilt; This means that you no longer need to live your life looking through the rear view mirror. The great things in our life are mostly out of our control. You are not responsible; something or someone has changed. It is a part of life. Imagine this event as a journey that you have embarked on; one in which you are the driver. The window of the vehicle that has the widest view is the windshield. That is important. It demands that your attention be focused primarily on what awaits you on the journey. The side windows reflect the landscape on the journey and provide an opportunity to observe what is along the way. The smallest point of view is the rear view mirror, which allows you to look behind you to take note of what has already happened and how it may affect what is in front of you. Feeling guilty does not benefit anyone; the only person who feels anything is the one who has chosen to embrace guilt. Does it feel good to embrace guilt? If not, let it go. It has no value to anyone.

Create a visual image of the pain; one that encompasses all the events that remain deeply embedded in your mind. Visualize it enclosed in a bubble of light; then add a tape that connects you to the pain bubble. Now imagine a sword that cuts the ribbon in half, quickly and safely. Quickly inhale or absorb the tape that sticks to you. Then blow the bubble out of your sight. Walk away from the scene quietly and gently, as if you are leaving a room. Close the door when you have left the room. Practice this exercise whenever pain starts to overwhelm you. Works. The pain is deeply ingrained like a memory imprint. Replace it with one that allows you to get away from it and close the door.

Wake up every day and count the good things, the blessings that you got from the person involved in the pain. When images emerge of the things that caused the most pain, put them in the bubble and release them. It’s okay to let go of the pain, choosing not to hurt isn’t getting over this, it’s getting over it.