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Divorce Recovery: Are Your Fears Holding You Back?

Divorce turns our lives upside down. It launches us into an important life transition that is tinged with intense feelings and emotions that can be debilitating. I believe that fear is the main culprit that prevents us from not only healing ourselves and letting go of our pain, but also moving towards a new life. So it is fear that we have to identify and then overcome.

Fear weakens. It acts as a paralyzing agent that keeps us stagnant. Inhibit any actual forward movement. Fear, conscious or unconscious, is an unbeliever: it refuses to see anything good in our present situation or in the possibilities of the future. It robs us of our self-esteem and confidence. It runs the mental chatter in our heads that continually tells us what we cannot do, have, or be.

The trauma of divorce reactivates and exacerbates deeply held beliefs about ourselves that we have held onto for years. If one had a belief that he was not really smart or capable enough, that belief is made even worse by divorce and one comes to fear his future. They believe that there is no possibility that they can heal their deep wounds and move on with life. Our personal demons rise up and fear begins to dominate the show.

We fear the future, the unknown. It is like looking into an abyss. How will I manage? What will I do? Where are we going to live? How will I pay the bills? What happens if my children are taken from me? Who will want to have a relationship with me? I’m going to be alone all my life. It is the unknown that overwhelms us, not having the answers, not being in control of our lives.

Look, this is what happens with the future: nobody knows what is going to happen. Wall Street is all about predicting the future, and yet all they really offer is educated guesses. We don’t know what will happen tonight, much less next month or next year. Not knowing, not having all the answers is a simple fact of our existence. We must accept the fact that we do not have to have all the answers and that we cannot predict our future. All we can do is stand up and create a vision of what we would like our future to be like and then take the necessary steps to get there.

We also have no control over the future. The fact is that the only thing or person we can control is ourselves. We cannot control the future, but we can certainly plan for it. We can determine what we want and then take steps to move toward our goals. The future will unfold before us with our deep participation and unwavering faith that our future can be better than our past.

Here are some things you can do to manage fear:

Fear is a clue that we are stretching and entering new waters. We can use fear as a sign that we are on the brink of something new and different and, more importantly, something that will help us evolve into a better human being. “To use fear as the friend that it is, we must retrain and reprogram ourselves … We must persistently and convincingly tell ourselves that fear is here, with its gift of energy and increased awareness, so that we can do our best. and learn the most in the new situation “. Peter McWilliams, Life 101

Fear is a door to know ourselves and a unique opportunity to discover where fears come from to overcome them “Nothing in life is to fear, only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that you can fear less “. Marie Curie (1867-1934)

Overcoming a fear immediately empowers us to take more steps. Like a child who is afraid of water, once he has taken the first step in submerging his head underwater, he discovers to his delight that it really wasn’t that bad after all. The fear itself was worse than the feared object. Then they leave. Take small steps that will lead you to bigger ones and with each one you will gain more confidence and power.

What is stronger or more important to you: your fear or your belief that maybe life will turn out okay after all? If you can have faith that the future holds new promise, opportunity, and possibility, then it will. Remember the self-fulfilling prophecies? It becomes a matter of choice: be afraid or believe in the myriad possibilities that life still holds for you.

Try a new perspective. Take off the lens of fear and replace it with one of hope and optimism. I know that is easier said than done, but a change in attitude not only changes the way you think, it changes your reality. Fear is contagious. When you look at everything that is wrong or impossible in your life, you are sure to find it.

I found this definition of fear on the web: being afraid or feeling anxious or apprehensive about a possible situation or event. The operation here is possible: everything is possible. Things can go in many directions and we just don’t know what will happen. Choose to believe that things will work out and it will work from that premise.

Consider what you could really gain by facing your fears. So, for example, remember the example of the boy and his fear of water. What they gained was the joy of swimming and the ability to venture out into the open water and experience the wonder of the ocean. How about the ability to save yourself from drowning? And what do you gain by not facing your fears? What is the cost to you? Make lists of both sides of the coin, the gifts and the costs, and it will be obvious what to choose to do.

Follow the advice of the wise men of all ages and live in the now, the present. The past is gone and the future is yet to come. All we have is now. Living in the present versus a hypothetical future that doesn’t exist. In the now, there is no fear of the future.

Learn to turn off that negative mental chatter that keeps telling you to be afraid and stay where you are. The ‘gremlin’ or little demon in your head that tells you everything you need to fear and all the things you cannot do, be or have. The voice that exists in everyone’s mind. Just watch when he starts barking, thank him for sharing, and let him go. That voice is not you. It’s your wounded ego.

Be more aware of your underlying fears that are keeping you from moving forward in life. Many people simply do not realize that they are afraid. For example, a person will not go to the mall to buy. Why? They really don’t know. They just feel uncomfortable in crowds. Well, what are they afraid of in crowds? Maybe it’s an underlying fear of germs, of getting lost, of being with masses of people? Explore and discover fear. Knowledge is power.

Think of all the things you have successfully accomplished, accomplished, and done in your life. Don’t minimize anything. Surviving a difficult childhood, starting a family, making a living, juggling ten things at once, managing loss … the list can go on and on. Know that if you have overcome difficulties in the past, you can and will do it again.

In closing, I must share with you what is probably the most famous Franklin Delano Roosevelt quote on fear: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Think about it. It is fear that gets in the way of our personal fulfillment, joy, and meaning. Just the fear itself, not what you fear. Remember that fear is just a feeling and not a fact. Don’t let fear of what may happen, the unknown, keep you from having the best life possible.

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